


Hurts Like Hell

by Valkrist (Anouk_Tyrell)



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Funerals, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Season/Series 05, Secret Relationship, Songfic, Tenderness, Trust, minimal canon divergence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:54:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26300746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anouk_Tyrell/pseuds/Valkrist
Summary: It was a fucking awful situation, knowing that it had to be such a clandestine meeting. No chance to write his real name on the gravestone, having to make the other people believe that he was still somewhere out there, dead or alive. Roses, lilies, forget-me-nots, at least something he had loved, a way to show his feelings once again without the others having to know. The flowers made the grave look rather vivid, exactly how he would’ve wanted it.
Relationships: Tommy Shelby/Barney Thompson
Kudos: 3





	Hurts Like Hell

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my friends!
> 
> After listening to "Hurts Like Hell" by Fleurie I just couldn't help thinking about the s5 finale and somehow wanting to fix some things a little bit.
> 
> Hope you‘ll like it!

_How can I say this without breaking?_

_How can I say this without taking over?_

_How can I put it down into words_

_When it's almost too much for my soul alone?_

Tommy could still remember the moment he had realized that everything crumbled, slowly going to hell. No shot, no Mosley falling down, no need to _mourn_ for this man. He just saw the Jews, nothing else happening and Mosley escaping unscathed. A little break, this was not what he had needed Alfie for. All this plans for nothing, a terribly fucked-up timing, what a horrible time to live.

It all wasn’t that clear first. Tommy looked up to the window, could only see the smudgy red stains that never meant something good. There could only be one reason why Barney hadn’t fired the shot, only one fucking reason. It had been horrible to stand there, deadpanned, being the politician he had decided to become. Hadn’t been able to proceed everything back then, just leaving the stage and not understanding why it hadn’t worked.

It had been fucking reckless to depart from the plan even more, letting the others take care of the corpses and bringing them away quietly in all the chaos. Tommy knew how much Polly would hate him for what had happened, just having found a certain kind of peace and love. The men deserved more than just keeping laying there on the floor, they needed their beloved ones around them, people who had truly known them.

He had been angry, fucking angry, could’ve smashed all the furniture into pieces. Someone had betrayed him, Jessie hadn’t listened and fucked off, too, he had been so sure it would work out. There were so many people listening to the radio this evening, waiting for this final shot that wouldn’t come. He would look so miserable in their eyes, a man who knew so much and didn’t manage to put his plan into action properly.

Only later did he realize that there was so much more to it all. That it wasn’t only about a plan failing, that this anger wasn’t the only reason for this numbness he felt. He had overestimated himself once again, not seeing that there had to be a fucking traitor. Too many people involved, a terrible mistake, something that shouldn’t happen to someone of his kind. He had lost so much he had built up within this last months.

_I don't want them to know the secrets_

_I don't want them to know the way I loved you_

_I don't think they'd understand it, no_

_I don't think they would accept me, no_

The last time had been two nights before the assassination. They had been each others’ anchors, Tommy breaking down and Barney still holding him, whispering that he wasn’t weak, that it was alright to cry. _Alright to cry,_ such an optimist. Never had had to hide something like this, wasn’t used to the world’s rules anymore. Hadn’t said anything against Tommy’s plan, somehow believing him and still wanting to stay alive.

Tommy had always preferred fucking most people from behind, just emptying himself in the bodies, but this thing with Barney somehow belonged to the rare exceptions. The exceptions he wrapped his arms around, loved to have close. He could still feel Barney’s hands on his skin, how tight he felt around him. Such a tender man, no unpleasant roughness in his movements, wet lips on his neck and fingers caressing his back muscles instead.Had known how to ride him way too well, every thrust making both of them feel free.

Tommy could feel his eyes filling with tears when he thought back to this moment. Still remembered how Barney had nuzzled his neck, how he had kissed some tears away. Hadn’t known that it wasn’t only the perfection overwhelming Tommy, but also fear, fear of loss. Even after all what he had done there was still this man trusting him, loving him unconditionally. A man who could say all this words about love when feeling brave enough.

Should he have stopped him back then we he had seen it coming? Locked their lips before Barney could confess his feelings? It could’ve been that easy, just firmly grasping his cock and making him moan instead of hearing this words that were so beautiful yet fragile. But Barney had whispered them, letting his hand wander under Tommy’s waistband and stroking him before leaning in, eyes locked and lips on lips.

Barney had never judged, never condemned him. Knew when to give advice and when it was enough to just listen. _Listen_. Oh, this had been his strength, had made him feel appreciated, loved. Unbelievable patience when all other people would’ve turned away and left him sitting there alone with his problems - but Barney stayed, always found a way to help, even if it was _only_ about comforting him, making him think clear again.

It was something different than with Grace. She still meant so much to him, one of his tattoos forever showing this connection between them and Charlie, but somehow Barney had found a way into his heart, too. When the others were there they were just comrades, but when they left … they really didn’t have to know about his weakness. His longing, his soft spots, his feelings he kept locked.

Would they be able to understand this absurdity? That this loss nearly made him wanna leave too, not being in this extra years he had gotten after war? What where they even there for? Coming home had felt horrible even if Lizzie and Charlie were always waiting for him. His _family_ , not only a secret. Shouldn’t something like this prevail over feelings for someone others called a monster? Family was something stable, at least, some guarantees he could have never had with Barney.

He couldn’t talk to his brothers. They had known Barney, would probably never understand what Tommy had loved about this shy, insane guy who had been such a talented sniper. Tommy had simply used this quality, having hoped for the best and fucking it up. Had nearly shot himself, voices of Grace and Barney in his mind, both having beautiful arguments for ending his life and staying alive. Nothing the others could understand, they would never find out about what he had nearly done.

And Ada … she simply hadn’t known him. Maybe could understand Tommy’s feelings, but nothing more. Would try to comfort him without knowing how bad the guilt was. Barney could still be alive if it weren’t for him. Vegetate but be alive. He should’ve saved him to give him a better life, however this should be possible, but he hadn’t even tried. His feelings weren’t enough to make up for everything.

Nobody would understand it. Most people would already stop trying at the point at which they realized that he was grieving for a man and not a women. Would call it unnatural, regard it all as a weakness. Maybe say that a fuck from behind could still be acceptable, a satisfaction of sexual desires when there was no woman available, but it wasn’t what they had had with Barney.

If it were for the sex than he could’ve easily found another person, using some whores or making Lizzie happy. Still could do the last thing, she was such a beautiful woman, but it would never be the same. This connection wasn’t that strong, no matter how much he would’ve loved it to be that way. He tried and tried it, but there seemed to be no way to lock his feelings for Barney away and move on to someone else.

_Dreams fight with machines_

_Inside my head like adversaries_

_Come wrestle me free_

_Clean from the war_

Maybe the mortuary was even worse than everything that would come. Worse than every funeral, than every moment people would find out what had happened.

Tommy had always hated this cold halls, the white blankets stained with blood, bodies both clothed and naked. It wasn’t a place for the living people, but promises were promises, not to mention the fact that he had to supervise everything this time. It was easy to explain Aberama’s funeral, he hadn’t done anything bad, but Barney was different. He was a criminal, one who escaped from the asylum and didn’t deserve mercy in the other’s eyes.

It reminded him of John’s death, somehow - but losing a _lover_ was somehow different. He hadn’t grown up with Barney, meeting him during war, but this time had done a lot to them. Had bound them together, had lead to this affair afterwards. The happy young man had become anxious, Tommy healing him and getting back kind words. They had been good for each other, had avoided so many problems, but it had all been based on a lie. The lie that it would be alright in the end, the lie that they could keep it that way without thinking about consequences.

He would’ve loved to give him one last kiss on the lips, but he didn’t dare. Didn’t dare feeling the coldness, once again that the live had gone out of this body, probably to a better place. It couldn’t be a good memory, too painful to even think about it. Would’ve made him think about their first kiss again, this bittersweet moment when his facade had begun to crumble, uncomplicated sex between comrades growing into something more, something sensual.

 _In the bleak midwinter_. They had promised it, so they did it, honoring all this extra seconds they had. Tommy could only give Barney‘s hand a squeeze one last time, pressing his lips to his forehead, as the others had already turned around, not being able to look at their comrade in such a condition anymore. He couldn’t blame them. Probably wouldn’t have come and stayed for more than a minute if it weren’t for their relationship. But Barney deserved this last signs of respect, some old comrades caring about him.

As pure as the body looked, the shot in the head was nasty. Blood that should’ve never been there. Tommy hadn’t thought something like this could happen, or maybe he just hadn’t wanted to do it. Thinking about Barney forgetting about this adventure had been easier, imagining an escape was even better. A lovely fantasy that was ended by reality. He would find this fucker who had done this to him, he would.

_Your heart fits like a key_

_Into the lock on the wall_

_I turn it over, I turn it over_

_But I can't escape_

_I turn it over, I turn it over_

It was weird, attending a funeral of that kind again. Somehow being responsible for it. Wasn’t like Aberama’s, no bodies and memories being buried, but maybe this was what made it even worse. Was rather like Freddie’s, less people attending it, though. Wasn’t what he deserved, not at all. There should’ve been more people, family and friends from his childhood and not only some comrades from war, but they couldn’t afford it. Couldn’t afford revealing what had happened this horrible evening, couldn’t afford spending time finding out who his relatives were. Did they even know where he had spent this last decade?

Tommy couldn’t even say how many of them were alive. There had been some moments when Barney had talked about them, actually, telling Tommy all this heartwarming stories about a lovely mother and his little sister. Seemed to be lovely people, actually, if Barney was to be believed, might have even accepted this relationship. What a shame that he would never get to know them…

It was a fucking awful situation, knowing that it had to be such a clandestine meeting. No chance to write his real name on the gravestone, having to make the other people believe that he was still somewhere out there, dead or alive. Roses, lilies, forget-me-nots, at least something Barney had loved, a way to show his feelings once again without the others having to know. The flowers made the grave look rather vivid, exactly how he would’ve wanted it.

If Barney were alive he would’ve surely let him know that he was bad at speeches. Would’ve laughed, whispering this comments into Tommy’s ear when they were alone again, his breath tickling him. Barney was honest, never disappointed him when finding a friendly way to speak his mind. Honest advice coming out of his mouth while he stroked Tommy’s head, telling him how awkward yet inspiring his words could be.

Surely would’ve adjusted his tie, too, leaning in to steal a kiss before letting him go. He would’ve needed this before the funeral, without a doubt, this sweet gestures that reassured him every time. Barney would’ve murmured some words about not giving up and keeping going, hoping that one day it will change for the better. Even after everything that had happened he still had been this sweet optimist, a little sunshine having been locked in for too long.

And as Tommy looked at the grave he promised himself that he would keep living - for Barney.

_I loved and I loved and I lost you_

_I loved and I loved and I lost you_

_I loved and I loved and I lost you_

_And it hurts like hell_

**Author's Note:**

> Does anyone else think that they would least have deserved a funeral?
> 
> Tumblr: @valkrist


End file.
